The Good Stuff

I re read some of my more recent blogs. I can see that I do write when I have THINGS TO SAY that I have no one to tell. And it actually feels pretty helpful to write out what is inside of my brain. Helps to clear out the obsessive thoughts.

The last few months have not been great according to my posts. Disappointments abound.

So here are the things that I have liked, still like and will continue to like:

• My "stylist" Rachelle. She is great, not only because she can do great hair, color and cut, but because she is funny and cute and responds to me when I need something new. I feel good when I see her.




• Laughing with Raya and Josh; their senses of humor not only match each other, but seem to match mine as well. Watching them with each other is a delight!




• MY IPOD!!! I plan to keep on using it more and more. It is so much fun. I had an incident occur when I was renewing my license, the official made a comment about not being able to wait to see me at his station since he was amused about someone "your age" listening to an IPOD. Yeah, I'm the little old lady dancing on the floor at "The Wedding Singer".




• MY IPOD II! Learning how to download, how to use itunes, talking to others about the system. Listening to podcasts, making playlists.




• Shopping at the Thrift Store! A new joy in my life! Can't remember when I decided to start shopping there, probably when I decided that I wanted new clothes but couldn't justify buying New new clothes. However, it has become more than just getting new clothes, it is a place inside of me that brings out more than feeling good about getting deals. I got Josh a nice leather coat for $30, and a couple of t shirts for Raya. And some nice jackets for myself. I look forward to the store opening on tuesday so I can get some outfits.




• My private practice- I like doing therapy. I'm not going to mention the negative part of trying to build up the business and get paid- oops, I just did.




• Driving my new car. Although I did finally get into a little fender bender, and I thus feel somewhat reluctant to drive it as nonchalantly, I still adore getting into the car, turning on the things I know how to turn on and being constantly surprised at the new things that this little StarTrek automobile can do.




• Joining the gym! I hate it I love it I hate it I love it..this new year will bring me a nice strong body again, after I get totally addicted to going on my own.

Family Tied Up in Knots

I hate my birth family. I hate my mother and I hate my brother. My dad is dead, so he gets to escape tonight. My cousins suck. My uncles are child abusers. My aunts are dead.

I realize that I am revictimizing myself. I feel like I have been abused all over again. That knowledge is good to start with the healing. And getting on top of all this anger.

Right now I am feeling especially angry at my brother and my mother. It is crazy. He has been asking me for advice and support throughout this whole break up with his latest ex Mrs. Lenny and won't give me any support on this one issue. I am sick of him and I am sick of my mother.

I'm not sure what I want from either of them. I am tired of being the "smart one", not the pretty one, the "daughter she always wanted" but not the Jewish Prince of the family. I didn't have to have the Bat Mitzvah, because I was just a girl, what a surprise that you want it, you don't have to have it, but isn't that wonderrful! And he gets the "home made everything" and all the f***ing support in the world, because he is who he is. I could have been in his situation... I could have, and WAS just as down and depressed and out of money..and I never got $400 or $1000 at a shot.

(okay, to be honest, my mom did come to see me when I had a broken leg and she thought I had cancer. But she did cry about how rough life was to HER during that visit.)

Yeah, he has problems, but he is always getting RESCUED by her!! And then he feels sad that he isn't getting enough.

I don't want either of them in my life right now. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but I feel it very strongly right now. Looking back at another post about my brother, I see that there is a history of disrespect and disgust.

I wish he would stop saying that I am HIS ROCK. I'm not his rock. I don't want to be his rock. I don't want to be related to him. Right now I am divorcing myself from him.

...I got him to stop signing his emails and letters "LBB" (Little Baby Brother); what bull. It creeps me out that an almost 60 year old man wants to be called Little Baby Brother. Like Baby Huey. It makes me sick to read it every time he writes it. Now I understand other women's reaction to him.

If I were to go through every one of his e mails to me, or search every memory I have, he is always being so sexualized. Not funny, rather repulsive. He e mailed me or told me something about how this woman he is e mailing was laughing at his inuendos...real mature...He disgusts me. (It is also a part of myself, I admit it. But I want that part gone gone gone)

I am always taking care of him. What the hell has he ever done for me AS AN ADULT??? Nothing. I asked him to help me with Josh when I was going out of town, and it was like a big deal favor. I asked him to help me out with ME when I had my first separation, (or second, who the hell remembers how many there were?) and he couldn't... or wouldn't. Then when he was making $100,000 a year, what did I get? I paid for him to go to the funeral for Paul.

So right now, I am angry and trying to get over it. Get over myself, which has always been a problem.

I know this is not about me. But, damnit, it happens every year! I need to get to a place where I can laugh, ignore, put it all in a place that doesn't hurt me.

Christmas Eve at the Steinbergsteins

I saw a cartoon in the paper today and asked Josh if I should be offended. The first panel showed a family, the Whites, celebrating Christmas in church. The second panel showed another family having a Christmas dinner. The third panel showed a Jewish family having dinner at a chinese restaurant with the waiter asking the cook if moo goo gai pan was kosher. Josh asked me if it was true. I said "kinda" and he said, "well..."

So after seeing "the Prestige" today we went to Pawitts restaurant, but it was closed.

Me, fighting with another old broad

So I had a blow out Saturday. I was doing the "arm rest fight" with the woman sitting next to me, a 70 something old woman with thinning hair dyed orange. She was with a group of people which included an enormous fat tall man, and a "mentally challenged" adult. There was an empty seat next to her but she chose to be a bitch and sat next to me.

I got really angry, but after attempting to win the arm rest like with an elbow fighting contest, without saying anything to each other , I just moved closer to Michael. After the second intermission, I put my coat and scarf on the armrest, resisting the impulse to pour water all over her seat. (Borderline thoughts). She and her guests came back and I could hear them talking about me.

They brought the "challenged man" (wow look at those lights, no look at THOSE lights, scratch my nose, almost pick it, rock back and forth while standing wow, look at those other lights) back to sit next to her, she threw my coat and scarf over to my side.

The situation escalated to the point where I called her a bitch and she told me that in the 30 years since she had been coming to the theatre I was the RUDEST PERSON SHE HAD EVER MET! She complained that I was kicking her and then she began to kick me. Cut to the part where I yelled for Michael to come to me, he was totally oblivious, which also pissed me off.

(Why doesn't he notice that I am in trouble and need him???)

We left the theatre, after complaining without hope of anything changing; what could the management do, except try and calm me down... ( more attention needed. please).

Michael and I went for a walk, drove to a soup restaurant, began to see things more in perspective. I kept crying..why was she so mean, what should I have done to make it better?

Michael did reassure me that orange haired lady had more responsibility in the escalation than I did.

I went to a party that night for one of Michael's friends.

While there, I called Josh and he listened while I talked about the situation. I decided that there is a pattern here.

I hit Sheila's mom's hand when she pointed it in my face. She had been taunting me all night at my brother's 50th birthday celebration in Portland.)

I almost hit Billie Gay about a month ago, when she got both physically and emotionally in my space and face.

And this mean little woman did the same thing; tried to control me. LIKE MY MOM!!! Duh.

Michael said for the last episode, I should have changed seats with him. Yes, but he should have noticed that something was wrong and taken care of me. I hate that part of our relationship.

So, a plan must be made for me. Now that I am aware of the triggers, I need to remove myself from the situation. Not try and fight, not try and WIN, because I won't.

I'll never win against the past with my mother and I'll never win in the present with older women who are trying to (my perception) control me or make me feel bad. It isn't going to work in my favor.

I hate old women and now since my last birthday I turned 58, I am going to be one.

Not just your Jewish Christmas

Hannukah celebration at my step son and daughter in law's new home. It was fun to be with everyone, and I wasn't as bitchy as I have gotten in the past. Although I do think that being around her sister and sister's family is a bit of a pain in the ass, as they give presents that are so ostentatious. And...they didn't follow the rules, which makes people feel bad. (Like me?)

Things I liked.

Giving Helen her book (Yiddish with George and Laura)

Getting a spontaneous "I love you" from Judy.

Watching Raya and Josh together

Some of the food

Jenny talking to Judy

Jenny talking to me

Hugging Dan

Things I didn't like:

All the gifts that Nathan and Samson got from M. and S.

too fucking much...they overdosed.

The sharing of my birthday with another holiday.

Grrr

Oily Greasy Potatoe Pancakes

The lamb

Trying to make Hannukah a Jewish christmas

I'm sure I'll come up with more...but I'm off to bed.

Happy Hannukah, Over and out.

Ruminations on our vacation

I've been back since Wednesday night.

Thank God! I am so happy to be home.

Right now my main thought about the trip is that I enjoyed Washington D.C. far more than I did Paris.
Yes, it is blasphemy to admit that one isn't in love with the City of Lights. I was but I'm not any longer.

We stayed in the suburbs, it was cold and rained almost everyday. We had to, or thought we had to, walk to the metro when we wanted to get anywhere. The last day before we left, we took a bus to the Metro line. Ahh, what a difference.

I had some joy, seeing Yvette and Abel, of course. But with Berthe getting ill and being put in the hospital, my emotions were dampened by Yvette's sadness and fear.

I was able to speak some French, esp to Abel and Yvette, but truthfully, one day I just got sick of it. Trying to communicate was exhausting.

I guess I just don't want to go to Europe any more. I don't enjoy traveling, I think. I don't know. This is my first blog about it, so I am going to keep "self search" through the posts to figure out what went on for me.

I am finally more of an American than a person who has identified with Europe all my life. I never felt part of the United States experience when I was younger, for many reasons, but now I do.

I worried about Frazier towards the end of the trip, Josh had called and said that Frazier was having some bowel problems, bleeding and lots of diarreah. His diagnosis wasn't not serious, just needed some meds and new food.

Maybe a tour would be better next time we go anywhere outside of our comfort zone. Then we would have more information, and have more structure. Just a thought, as Michael says.

oh, and the flying? It was still horrible. And we actually had a man who was over 6' tall sit behind me with a request not to put our back seat down. However, the man in Front of me did so I was squished between two people on one of the flights. Delight.

Ah, Paris!

I'm leaving for Paris with Mikey on Thursday morning. Katie asked me why I was not demonstrating more "excitement"

I was thinking about that this morning and came up with "huh, I've had a lot of stress in my life lately.."

First the planning for Dan and Jenny's wedding. That was full of situations where I got to make myself nuts.

The dress, the make up the weight, the difference between our families, fear about Jan and Bill not liking me because I wasn't putting on the perfect affair, the food at the groom's dinner, the bachelor party helping Josh, the money, picking a song for the mom-groom dance, and the day itself.. and the obligatory feeling sorry for myself.

Then the Democrats. The election season, the anger, the joy, the gossip, the time spent, the day and the night, and the time put in.

The aftermath.

My business, money, insurance companies, Gaylynn getting a part time job.

Our new car which I still can't figure out...it is like driving a computer that has a language I can't speak.

Flying on an airplane for 8 hours or so. Never being compfortable flying. Getting an ipod and learning how to download it. Packing. Wondering what I can bring on the plane. Trying to find perfect boots in which to walk. (I gave up and decided to get some in Paris if they exist).

Flying. Scared of flying. Knowing that with my luck we will be sitting in front of a brat kid with a mother who hasn't brought any toys or snacks. The supreme discomfort of trying to take a nap on a plane seat with no leg room and I'm only 5'4" so what about that poor 6' tall guy? Screw him, that's his problem.

Flying.

Trying to fit in every appointment thing I can before I leave. Lunch with friends, getting a crown on my tooth, getting that last minute medication. The nagging little fear that if my room isn't clean before we go and we die on the plane then my kids will have to sort everything out. I think I'll go and throw some incriminating things away right now, in fact.

Not having the "right clothes" for our trip...

...then of course I realize that thought is exactly what my mom always says so I'm deleting that particular anxiety RIGHT NOW.

People never notice what you wear unless you are the presiden'ts wife and all I remember about Laura is that she wears lots of pant suits and has big thighs.

Flying.

Letter to my friend, Jill

Dear Jill,

Pete didn't win, and after the "victory" party last night, I was elated about a female speaker of the house, it's about damned time and it is too bad that it has to be a *story* if you catch my meaning...and we won the sheriff's race, and my legislative race (Phil Riesen) and a couple of Senate seats (State House)- we now have three openly gay legislators! And who knows how many in the closet???

Then I saw Pete and his wife, after he left the ballroom and his final speech and I broke down.

Okay, I was tired from working all fucking day on the get out the vote effort, I had thrown up, as I told you, and I wanted to be cute in front of all the other democrats..and Pete is such a mensch, and so loveable and genuine...so I started to cry. He held out his hand and said "It was so good to get to know you."

And I said "stop...you had me at 'I'm going to run for Senate..'."

Sheryl

For Pete Ashdown

Dear Pete,
I want you and your family to know that I believe in you. Whatever you choose to do next, please let me know so I can be a part of achieving the goals you stated during your campaign.

Thousands of people in this State were touched by you and your message. You are truly an ethical, kind and intelligent man. I feel blessed to have meet you and hope to keep a relationship with you and to be a part of spreading the success of your goals.

There is a Jewish concept called "Tikun Olam" which roughly translated means "the repair of the world". I believe that you are a part of this.

With love and peace,

Sheryl Ginsberg

Today's internal weather

Lots of action at the Democratic Party, both State and County. I am looking forward to this election being over with lots of wins; Phil and Jim and Sim in particular.

Today is the first day in forever when I have awakened feeling "normal." Not sure why, but I am going to bask in it and see where it leads me.

Loss

What a week...my friend and hero, Glenn Williams died in a terrible car accident last week. I am in shock and sorrow. There is nothing to do but help the family and believe in God.


Glenn Alden Williams

Glenn Alden Williams 1954 ~ 2006 Our loving husband, father, and brother, Glenn Alden Williams, age 52, of West Valley City, UT died October 18, 2006 from injuries sustained in a car accident. Glenn was born April 5, 1954 in Everett, WA. He was raised by his mother, Joan Watson; and stepfather, Peter Moody. He resided in Washington and California for many years before moving to Utah in 1995. Glenn had celebrated several years of sobriety, had overcome many obstacles and had found a new way to live life to the fullest. He possessed a natural ability to work with computer technology and was technically savvy despite having no formal training. He was very proud to be able to utilize this talent while working as the Electronics Specialist for the Robert G. Sanderson Community Center of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. He loved his job and what he could offer to help others. Glenn was a very generous man who found great pleasure in helping those around him. He enjoyed spending time with his children and visiting with family. He will be greatly missed by many. Glenn is survived by his wife, Sari Lafeen; three children, Glenn Jr., Zenn, and Zari Lee; stepchildren, Zachary and Zarren; stepfather, Peter Moody; sisters, Terry, Patty, Vicki, Judy; brother, Peter; and many other family members that will miss him dearly. Preceded in death by his mother, Joan; and son, Zepplin. Funeral services will be held Tuesday, October 24, 2006, 11 a.m. with viewing 10-10:45 a.m. at Memorial Estates Mortuary, 5850 South 900 East in Murray. A viewing for friends and family will be held Monday from 6-8 p.m. In lieu of flowers contributions may be made to a family trust in Glenn Williams name at any Zion's Bank.

Original Intent

aaarrrggghhh, this is turning into a public diary instead of my orignial intent. Countertransference, or just transference. Sucks.

me, now

In addition to the break up he is becoming aware that he needs to think about work, himself, and where he is right now.

I am feeling similar feelings, actually. Living off Michael, not following through with my business, being LAZY and somewhat depressed. I am going to get some coffee in a minute and read my car manual.

I am also going to bill for that one girl at vmh so I can bring in some money and make myself and mikey feel better about me.

Len, part II

I got a call from Len last night, it seems like his world has crashed around him. I was somewhat perceptive in what he is doing, my anger was towards his defensiveness, I think.

He broke it off with Sheila, I mean, Deb, and is back staying with mom for a while. It really is an opportunity for him to get some support in a healthier manner than being a liar in a relationship that isn't good for him.

While he was telling me about the latest crisis with Deb, I told him that she is an alcoholic (duh-she took benzodiazipan with pain meds while drinking) and then blamed Len for giving them to her. When I told him that she was an alcoholic he said "She wasn't driving." HUH?

So, let's hope he can use this time to find himself, and get some help.
It was pretty painful to listen to him, but at least he is getting to an honest place.

still angry...

...and another thing. I am not your best friend.Deb used to get on the phone andGUSH about how she is so happy that Len and I have each other..I'm so glad he has you to talk to everyday, it is so good for him!

Oh, Blow it out your ass. I don't need your approval or your commentary.

I was driving yesterday, and thought hmmm, who can I call, I'm kind of lonely and want to talk...Hey, I'll call my brother! I set the phone down and thought better of that action. It's like calling mom. I know what I'll hear; more of you living through Deb and more of your defensiveness.
Fuck that.

Letter to my brother, which is an angry letter

Last night I composed a letter to my brother on my little PDA, since my keyboard wasn't working, I had to use the stylus. It was slow going. Obviously I had some strong feelings or I wouldn't have tap tap tapped for the time it took.

Here is some of what I said. I had to get it out into concrete form, since I know I'll never be able to tell him this:

Dear Len,
I am so frustrated with you and how you are choosing to spend this part of your life. It began with you moving in with mom, while you are at the age when she should be moving in with you. An 85 year old woman shouldn't have the burden of her son and his Great (Sloppy and Dog Attacking creature) living in her tiny condominium.

It demonstrates to me her unconditional love for you, as well as your ability to take advantage of her. The whole time you were living there you complained about the things she did. She bitched about the dog messing up the house, she gave double messages, she took down her table. And you were so upset about it/

You were living there for FREE! Plus she had given you about 3 thousand dollars to get your belongings from Portland to Arizona, as well as helping you out with your declaration of bankruptcy papers/lawyer fees.
I have always know that you were her "favorite" and this has been demostrated to me througout our lives. You have taken advantage of this favoritism with jokes and use of her love. I admit I have been jealous of you getting the "Luskin recipe" birthday cake, while I either didn't get one at all, or maybe a box mix. I admit to jealousy of the "$50 checks" you inevitably received while I continued to get "$25".

It was both odd and painful. And when I finally confronted her about it in a letter, she finally gave me $50. And then complained about it to you.
It is sad, not because she couldn't afford the money for me, but because she didn't think that you and I would talk about it.

I was stunned when you talked to me about all the money she has tied up in stocks and investments. You were so angry that she had "all that money" and wouldn't give you any "to help you." That's her money, Len. She worked all her life, taking buses to work, neglecting her children, granted, but she worked hard as a Secretary in an organization that is known for treating it's employees like dog manure.

You haven't worked half the time she worked. You don't deserve her money. It is her money. She can set it on fire if she wants to do so. She has had to live with the death of our dad (who didn't leave her with much money, btw) the death of another three men who she cared for. That is alot of loss.

Where the hell is your compassion?

Now you are back where you started. You have met another "Sheila", are engaged, rather quickly I think after your divorce and end of your marriage, to a woman you don't really know.

How obnoxious are you about Deb? When you came to the wedding most of my friends thought that 1. You were a Marine and 2. You had nothing else to talk about except Deb.

You are living through other people, Len. You are NOT a Marine, Jake is the Marine. He feels a lot of pressure to take care of you and to be what you want him to be...Your buttons and hat and marine paraphenalia are not appropriate for the father of a soldier. I don't know any other marine parents who do this. (I speak from experience from being around many other parents of marines and other soldiers.)

And talking incessantly about Deb and her exercise program in a competitive way. Cousin Steve ran 5 mines. "Oh big deal, Deb runs 15 miles." I didn't see you running ANY miles while you were here...so 5 is pretty damned good.

That's it for now. I want to go on, but I'll save it for part II.

Your sister

Autumn

I can smell the cinnamon from the apples that Josh and Raya have just baked in the oven...Michael and I saw "Chicago" at the PTC with Real New York Talent...the lecture by Helen Thomas was overflowing so we couldn't get in...

...and Congressman Chris Cannon (R-Ut) keeps putting his foot in the doo doo and then in his mouth...

Life is good.

Joey

Rough week, a "younger brother" of Adam, my stepson, suicided last Friday right before Rosh Hashanna. It was heartbreaking, and especially difficult for Adam.

The ripples of this child's pain and decision to choose death are being transmitted throughout the Jewish community, and throughout his friend's community. It is especially painful for Michael and I, as it hurts us to see Adam in so much pain.

Transference again?

Tonight we were invited to a person's home for Shabbat/Rosh Hashanna dinner.

Wonderful food, a little religiousness, good people, great home, delightful host and hostess...

But...one of the guests is so...raises the hairs on the back of my neck and makes me feel like I want to punch him in the face all at once. I would like to know why I feel this way. Does he remind me of someone? Is he a "part of my own personality, the dark side of myself"??

Or maybe he just pisses me off for no reason.

I'm going to think about this for a while. Every time I see this guy I feel the same way, violated and ignored at the same time.

Happy New Year, anyway...

..."you're my only hope.."

My "about me" paragraph caught my eye today as I signed in, and I thought hmmm, where in my life am I learning through a "trasference" experience?



As I sat with Josh today in Instacare, he is feeling like sandpaper throat and can't sleep, I suddenly remembered Ralph DiPrizito, my old friend from High School.



He was lots of fun, but sort of a troubled soul. Artistic, sensitive, active in Student Body activities. He had a gay uncle, and I always suspected Ralph of being in the closet himself. Mom was Jewish, Dad was Italian.



The last time I saw him, he came to my house limping, using a cane. He was recovering from knee surgery and was extremely angry with me. I had not "been there" for him in his opinion. I was confused and angry myself. What did he mean? What was I supposed to do? I didn't get it at all.



Now, 40 years later, I realized what a crappy friend I had been to him. He was right. I didn't go to visit him, I didn't call him during his hospital stay. I was insensitive to his needs. In my defense, I didn't know that one did those things for friends. Poor social skills training...



If I could find Ralph and appologise to him, I would. Perhaps, wherever he is right now, he feels a mending in "the Force" and knows that I am sorry.

Sigh of relief!

I just talked to my nephew Jake! He arrived home safe from Iraq!!!

Congratulations, Dad, it's a new baby blogger!

http://kaeleemusings.blogspot.com/

One of the most intelligent and beautiful young people I know is writing this one. Just thought I'd give her a little publicity in case anyone reads MY blog!

"These signs are posted illegally"

I notice that I am getting less upset when I see illegal signs posted by REPUBLICANS all over Wasatch Blvd and the freeway chainlink fences through out the Valley. the sight just reinforces the validity of my belief that R's are sleazier than D's.

Deeda told me on Saturday that we (involved in campaigns) are the only ones who really care and that signs are mostly for name recognition.

Shaun's idea was to post a huge sign on each venue that says "These signs are posted illegally."

Kaddish for 9/11

A poem written by Hannah Senesh,

(Eili, Eili,shelo yigamer l'olam,Hachol v'hayam,rishrush shel hamayim,B'rak hashamayim, t'filat ha-adam.)

Oh Lord, my God, I pray that these things shall never end:

The sand and the sea, the rush of the waters,

The crash of the heavens,

the prayer of Man.

*********

There are stars whose radiance is visible on earth

though they have long been extinct.

There are people whose brilliance continues to light the world

though they are no longer among the living.

These lights are particularly bright when the night is dark.

They light the way for mankind.

(from the writing of Hannah Senesh)

http://www.hannahsenesh.org.il/documents/frameseteng.html

Politics and Hot Jews

Tomorrow afternoon is the big ole' Legislative 36 get together that I am sponsoring.

The good stuff...It will be over this time tomorrow night.
I am trying which is better than sitting around and complaining.

I love some of the people with a deep abiding respect.

The bad stuff...my house has some trashy aspects, some left over from the micro burst, so we look like poor white trash.
Only 12 people have responded with a "yes".

Today I was so upset that I wanted to move to somewhere liberal...like Boston. I was angry about a certain person who works for the Democratic Party who causes a lot of stress to other people, but who acts like a victim him/herself. I raged about the situations that I know about revolving around this person and Michael just listened and was mildly amused, but kind enough to listen.

So we went out for Mexican food at a really excellent place that has fabulous food and adorable waiters. Not like at Trios but adorable in a more human, less "GQ" sense.
(Cancun, I highly recommend it.)

Then to get my blood pressure up to dangerous levels I watched Bill Mahr.

Thank goodness "BiBi" Netanyahu was one of the interviewees. He is so articulate and handsome and charming. For a right wing guy, he is tres intellegent. And makes being Jewish seem somehow more than okay. I despise how a woody (may he rot in hell) allen is depicted as a typical Jew, when you have hotties like Netanyahu to use as a stereotype.

Or Natalie Portman.

politics or junior high?

Being a relative newbie to the higher ranks of politics, at least higher than the just walk for a candidate and make phone calls getting out the vote, I am becoming amazed at the amount of beyatches that exist in the upper echelons.

I shouldn't be surprised, just because I see my love of politics as a "calling" doesn't mean that others are in it for the same reasons.

(I always was a bit naive...I remember when I told a teacher that Maxine Braham was a natural blond when I was in High School. I didn't realize that being Naturally Beautiful and Blond could be achieved artificially. Silly Maxine, she complained to me one time that just because she was beautiful people thought she was stuck up instead of shy. My heart still goes out to her...)

So, the gossip, the put on a happy face in front of someone you despise, being unwilling to tell the slacker to get the fuck out of the way...this occurs in my dream setting of the Democratic Party in Utah.

And even th0ugh Donald Trump fired his adoring Caroline, we could use a little of his kick ass here.

"Working Out"

Yesterday Michael and I joined a gym together! Now we have a hobby that doesn't involve spending money. Except for the massages and personal trainer I plan to hire.

I have gone to two classes so far. He likes to do the "step" classes, and I am inclined towards the "yoga" and "Pilates" [or Pilot, as he called it when looking for me yesterday. ]

It is really rough to attempt getting back to strength and flexibility. I was sweating in both classes and trying to remind myself that I am not as young as I was when I first began this bodywork.

I liked the Yoga teacher, Lucy. She worked us hard, but was also giving compliments as she walked around the room. Her touch is very gentle.
She is going to do a 7:00 a.m. class on Wednesdays and I think I might try and go for that. Or not. I am not sure my alarm has a 6:00 a.m. setting.


Note to self:
Bring a larger towel with me next time I go to the gym. (I'm not feeling really comfortable walking around naked like the woman I saw today, and the towels they have don't fit around me (Yet)

FROM MY "EMOTICON" BLOG ON DEMOCRACY 4 UTAH

http://www.democracyforutah.com/cvc/blog/12

Wednesday's Demonstration and McCarthy "Have you no sense of decency, sir?"

I decided to attend the rally on Wednesday after reading the headlines in the Salt Lake Tribune. Once again "protesters" were being labeled as "anti Americans". Those who voice their disagreement with the Presidents policy on the war are "aiding and abetting the enemy".

In my understanding of the protest, the message includes protesting against the President's policies of "Heckofajob", the failing economy, the lies, and the blind indifference to the poor. "It's not just the war, stupid"; to paraphrase James Carville.
I don’t have the time right now to go into detail, but here are some of my impressions:

Lots of varied reasons for people to be there; lots of Veterans who don’t glamorize war.

Walking with Stuart, who was holding a Veteran for Peace sign.

Several people came up to him during the day to thank him for his service to our country.

Being against the war and For the soldier.

Kissing the Marine in Full Dress Uniform protesting the Bush Administration and the Bush war.

Lots of young people

Lots of well dressed people.Rocky, the crowd in the palm of his hands for the first half hour...“We want the truth”!

Honking and Waving in support by people in Subarus, Volvos and Priuses.

Walking up State Street, turning around and seeing the street filled with people.

Knowing that the rest of the world won’t be fooled by the neo-red baiters who say that all these thousands of people are Al Quaida supporters...even in the reddest of red States.

That was the best part- the brave people who showed up to tell the truth, at the cost of being labeled by the fear and smear mongers.


"Welch to McCarthy: You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"

To the Tribune,
Thanks for feeding the "Fear and Smear" campaign sponsored by Bush and Company in regards to the Monday Tribune headline regarding the poll that states that
"45% of Utahans polled think dissent aids enemies"!
So the protest about economic policies, lying to the public, taking away constitutional rights from citizens by spying on our own, "Good Job Brownie" is giving aid to the enemy?

I'm so confused; is the "enemy" the people who think the current administration is doing a poor job of protecting it's citizens? I can't see terrorists thinking "This is so great! The American people who disagree with Bush's policies of disrespecting the citizens of the United States are protesting! That sure gives me aid and comfort!"

Just for that, I'm going to show up on Wednesday's rally with a sign that says "It's the economy, stupid! Not just the war!"

Reaction formation:
A defense mechanism whereby an unconscious and unacceptable impulse or feeling that would cause anxiety is converted into its opposite so it can become conscious and be expressed. For example, a person adopts a set of attitudes and behaviors that are the opposite of his or her true dispositions...

If my child died in a senseless stupid pointless war in a country that did not attack us and in which we are the guards against a civil war...My reaction formation: I love our country, I love our President, and I love this war.

It's a normal response, it's a human response. I can't begin to imagine the torture of losing a child, and to lose a child for a lie would be unbearable.

But to tell me that I can't support the soldiers and marines in this war and not support the war...

I love my country. I love being an American. I believe we have the duty to protest against the leaders in our government who are acting in a manner which is contrary to true American values.

One of my most adored family members is in Iraq serving in the military. That is his job, he signed up for it. He knows that part of the reason we are there is economic.

I do not support the war in Iraq. It was an attack on a soverign nation. It was brought to us by motives that we will never know, motives that had nothing to do with the defense of this countries freedom.

Bring our children home. I hate this war. And I love and support all the young people who are fighting and being killed in that sand-filled hell.

Turning a Liberal into a Republican

I went to the Drinking Liberally event Friday night at Piper Down. ("Piper Down"- that's another blog all by itself...) I had called Megan Risbon to meet me there, and I also hoped to see my son there as well. Last time I had gone to one of the DL Friday night events, was when Marcos of DailyKos came to town. I had a great time and had no reason to have any other expectations.

The topic was "Education" and the speaker was Pat Rusk, who is the former President of the Utah Education Association.

I am here to publicly state that the people who were at DL tonight were uninviting, unwelcoming, and cliqueish. I have had more positive response to my presence at the Legionaires meeting.

The "Liberals" at this event were anything but "liberal" in the intent of the word.

These folks were judgemental to statements made which disagreed with their stance. My son's statements about public schools and private schools from his own experience were met with "You sound Republican." (from a man named "John" who was wearing a bright red "Harvard Club" shirt, sitting across the patio.)

Now, I'm just as guilty as Harvard-John was in using the term "Republican" as a pejorative. However, my retort that the "Democratic Party is a party of inclusiveness, including all points of view" was ignored.

Pat spoke using both facts and passion about the need for a change in our Legislature's priorites. Education needs to be funded. Vouchers and Private Schools are evil. She brought a book full of facts and evidence to show that although Utah has one of the highest levels of success on testing, they are also paying their teachers at one of the lowest rates in the United States. Good teachers are leaving, and good teachers cannot be recruited.

As the majority of the group nodded their heads and agreed that things were horrible for Utah's students, the idea that we should give more money to the public school system was the solution de jour.

Gee, can I still be a Democrat if I disagree with the solution? Can I still be a "liberal" if I have other ideas about the education system than those of the attendees?

I have more than 20 years of experience and contact with the educational system in Utah, as a parent, a special education teacher and a psychotherapist. And I'm here to say that I think that any student deviating from the mean or average is S.O.L. in this system.

I wish we had more than simplistic solutions; more money, higher pay (more money) and smaller classrooms.

But this is digression, my views on the public school system come from my own experiences, so I am willing to admit that they might be skewed.
However, the people (with one or two exceptions) at tonight's event were boors.


When I told Dan about this experience he said "Well, they're a bunch of drunks.." the implication being that one doesn't have to take them seriously.

I have thought about both Dan's comment ( one of a lifetime of witty incisive remarks) and my strong reaction to the group.

I thought I had learned and have attempted to teach other people that when we get strong emotional reactions to others that (a.) They are getting us to feel like they do, e.g. angry, threatened, inadequate (b.) they remind us of someone, (c.) they remind us of our our own unresolved issues.

Okay, did that group feel threatened by Josh's and my comments? Probably. If one really believes in something as true, one doesn't need to defend oneself or indulge in name calling.

Did Harvard John feel threatened by me? Probably. I charged over to the table where he was sitting and attempted to engage him in a discussion on why he was useing categorizing and dismissive comments to respond to points of view that were different from his.

He responded to me by being rude and snide and, again, dismissive. He said "Oh, I understand, you are this young man's mother; that's why you acted this way." Thank you Daddy John. No wonder I was upset. It wasn't your behavior, it was my need to protect my son.

(b.) and (c.) also apply. They reminded me of all the "cool kids" in Junior High School at the cafeteria who weren't nice to the non cool kids. Those Junior High cool kids never said "hi" or introduced themselves to newcomers either.

My unresolved issue; I need to feel understood. When I am understood I can relax, even if what I say is not mutually agreed upon. When I have a political or emotional discussion with a person with whom I disagree, and we both end up saying "Ok, I get where you are coming from, and I still don't agree." We are both still winners.

So, to indulge in a little characterizing and name calling of my own; why in the hell would I care what an over -60 -year -old man, with obviously dyed black hair that looks like a shitty toupee, wearing a "Harvard Club" shirt, who had to use his two friends to back up his opinion ("My two friends on either side of me also thought you were a Republican") probably drinking too much and fearful of facing opposing thought...where was I? Oh yeah, why would his opinion matter to me?

What did I learn? Hmmm- don't state my opinion in public? No.

Recognize that when I am reacting emotionally that the issue is part of a greater issue?

I'll think more about this and get back to you.
Any comments, Danubistheconcise?

Just met my granddoggiedaughter and I feel much better. Something about a baby...

She's beautiful and mellow. They kept the name Dana from her old owners. It was meant to be, she is named after her "daddy". Jezze, I used to hate it when people personified their pets...but now I do it.

It was also good for me to see my Jenny and Dan; I feel more connected and they certainly are so happy together.

I guess I just needed to sleep and see my kids to put things in perspective.

I'm still not going to refer anyone to Drinking Liberally again...unless they get a puppy for me.

Here are some reasons I am feeling insecure today.

I went to a "Drinking Liberally" event and left feeling unworthy of being a liberal. My views were "'Republican" according to a few people's comments. I guess I'm not liberal enough.

The neighbors across the street had a huge party last night. I was feeling the normal "oh they're having a party" thoughts when I then noticed our next door neighbors walking over to join the festivities. That added to my feelings of rejection. Normally I feel a bit left out when the Mormons stand out in the street and talk to each other, ignoring the few non members. This particular family is one to whom I have made deliberate outreach. Their son died a while ago. I wrote a letter to the mom on mother's day night expressing my concern about her, and her love for her son and grandchildren. I had also stated that I wished I knew her better.

We talked a few days later; they were going to Africa with their siblings. She told me that the letter I wrote had "made her day" and meant so much to her.

When they returned from Africa, the next Sunday they had people over, I assumed the guests were from their ward. Josh made a home made pizza for them as a "welcome home. "

We brought it over, their youngest son was going on a mission, which was the ostensible reason for the party that day. We chatted briefly.

So, seeing the neighbors walk over, seeing the "We miss you Chad: (heart)" spelled out on the chain link fence with blue and red paper drink cups hurt my feelings.

Then, Dan called this morning, "Is Josh there." Not, "Hi mom, this is Dan, how are you, is Josh there."

He and Jenny are going to buy a puppy. Michael and I suggested that they get a kennel for it. "No, we don't want to keep it in a cage." When Michael suggested that they keep it in a kennel at home during the day, Dan said that they found "doggie day care", they were going to bring it over to Jen's mom's house during the day.

Michael remarked that this shows what will be happening with a baby.

I see the future...my grandchild learning from people in another culture. Learing to be more of a Bowen than a Luskin-Ginsberg.

What a sense of loss I feel right now.

I'm trying to keep in mind that people don't have bad intentions. That I need to ascribe positive intentions to their actions. That most of the decisions people make have nothing to do with me.

I'll get there. It just hurts right now.

RAYA'S BACK !

My son Josh's girlfriend is back in town..she says it's forever, or at least for the next five years while she finishes her undergraduate degree.

Being the fearful- anxious- neurotic-person that I am, I love her and then am afraid to love her so much.

Because obviously something so wonderful can't last for me...(Time to increase the medication...)

WHITE AS A BENCHMARK

I got this info from Wikipedia - I was just sitting at the computer getting a couple of CEU's knocked off...another story...I'm reading about Social Work for the aging, and the tag "minority and cultural awareness" popped up. This brought me to the phrase used by a person I know who is involved with politics. She wears her diversity status like ...a tight sweater! She calls herself a woman of color and refers to people of color during most of the conversations or, actually, monologues in which she engages.

A friend of mine and I think that whenever this woman says "people of color" that phrase translates to "HISPANIC".

Soooo, in my typical avoidance of studying, I went to Wikipedia and looked up "people of color" to see if it included other ethnic groups aside from Hispanic...(I knew it would, I just wanted to have written validation while I avoided learning about the aging population.)

"Person of color" or "people of color" are synonyms for people who are not white in the United States and for members of a non-white group. Some find this term equally offensive as the term "colored", primarily because it fixes whites as the benchmark for racial division, fostering an allegedly "us-versus-them" view of race relations.

Proponents of the term maintain that it must be realistically acknowledged that race domination is primarily caucasian, and that the term "person of color" is a better generic term for the racial underclass than "black person" as it includes ethnicities other than those strictly of African descent. This may include some Chicano/Latino, who can be white or of color, Asian American and many indigenous groups that also experience racism.

Hey, I get to be a "person of color" to the Islamistremists!

Wedding Day Photo on Dan and Jenny's wedding at Red Butte..of me and Michael..you can see a partial shot of Nathan, the ring bearer.
I look pretty happy. I ended up liking my dress, and my hair and make up...and was only tearful when Dan and I danced to a Josh Grobin song ; "You raise me up" for the mother son dance.

He and Jen looked so very happy.

I'd like to go back and do the whole day over so I can experience it more completely. I think now that I spent too much time talking to people who don't matter that much to me. I would like more time sitting at the table where Bob Goldberg sat, with Sue and Joe Moore and Jan and Bill.

Listening to Loren pontificate his views of people and life took my attention from what I wanted and needed to do. Like speaking Martian. He is sincere, and well meaning, but totally out of touch with the World as I See it...he was telling me that one of the kids in the wedding was "lost" and would never make anything of himself... This particular kid has a high gpa, can go to college, and has worked through school to buy things that his mom can't aford to get for him. He is sweet and funny and happens to have long blong hair...maybe an earing or two. BFD.

Although Loren was praising Dan (worthy of praise) he was also dissing
Nikky....for no reason that I can think of except to project himself as an "expert" or as someone who knew what they were talking about.

Reminds me of the people who stand in front of paintings at an art museum and discuss the meaning behind a splash of paint and what the painter was "trying to convey". Bleech and Annie Hall.

Check this out...
I'd cut and paste but have to get permission first. In the meantime, read this blog about Al Gore and those of the dark side that are trying to discredit him...

http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2006/08/shady-business.html

I decided to call my all my political faux pas a "Hug Howard Dean" moment.

That was the first one...I met Howard Dean at a Democrats fundraising event and tried to hug him. After a few months I was able to laugh about it...

Yesterday I jumped up to the microphone after Pete Ashdown spoke..and yapped on about a Democracy for Utah event where Pete is speaking (in September).

I woke up after a nap feeling like I had done something really stupid when I was drunk...I didn't have the excuse of drunkenness...just the "getting caught up in the Ashdown moment" as my friend Jeff Bell called it.

Let' s see, who did I call for reasurrance? Jeff, Marcie, Katie, Wayne...and I wrote an email asking for forgivness to Pete...and I wrote a "what an jackass" note to Carrie.

Writing to Carrie was probably the defining moment in realizing that I had another Hug Howard moment.

Carrie is very interesting: she is the chairperson/President of the Democracy for Utah group. She is very bright, and has those logical left brain observations. I like talking to her and checking out our different realities. It helps me get to a more grounded place...

I've been asked to write something new...by my sweet adorable, handsome son...so how can I refuse him?

There is too much going on in the world right now for me to categorize.

Death of a too young girl which symbolizes all the deaths of the too young people in the world right now- the cause of her death was from the actions of a madman, a sick person who probably was born without a soul. The deaths of the other too young people is due to the passions of people who are using the years of perceived victimhood to try and crush a tiny Democratic country which just wants to be recognized as existing.

That, along with a "nutcake" for a President, who will go down in history as one of the personally weakest but significantly destructive man who tore apart the separation of powers of this Democratic government.

Oh yeah, and my back really hurts.

I got the email (below in black) today from a woman I know from National Council for Jewish Women (Utah)
It had been forwarded to her from a woman that I know peripherally from the Progressive Caucus.

It really made me angry, so I responded with my most restrained commentary.

Action Alert!
Rally for Peace to Protest Israeli Military Action Against Civilians!
Jewish Voice for Peace DC, the American Arab Anti-Discrimination
Committee (ADC) and others are calling for a rally for peace in front of the
White House this Tuesday to protest U.S. support for Israeli military action
against civilians in Lebanon and Gaza.
In solidarity with that rally, Utahns for a Just Peace in the Holy Land is
calling for a “Vigil for Palestine” in Salt Lake City, Utah, Tuesday, July 18.
This vigil is open to all peace loving persons and organizations. If you know of
other groups or individuals who would like to participate, please pass this
invitation along.
WHAT: “Vigil for Palestine”
WHEN: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 from 4:00 to 5:30 pm
WHERE: Main Street between 2nd and 3rd South,Salt Lake City, Utah (across
from Sam Weller\'s)
Please bring signs and come stand with us. Pass it on!

Sorry Laura, I don't agree with "peace at any cost"- and I haven't ever seen a rally to support the cause of peace for the Israeli civilian deaths by the suicide bombers of the Islamists groups.

I don't give a damn if Jewish Americans are involved with this anti semetic bullshit, that doesn't persuade me to join in this Israel bashing.

I heard someone (Wish I had a memory for details) on NPR recently who said "Just because someone is a victim doesn't make them Right."
That applies both to Jews and Palestinians.

However, when you have a tiny Democratic State in the midst of people who are trying to wipe them out, I believe that the appropriate response is to defend.

When the hell have the People for a 'just peace' in the holy land made their presence known for the innocent civilians in Israel, and, by the way NEW YORK who were killed for the Palestinian "Cause".

I am certainly in favor of a two party state solution...but in order to have a solution, we need wise people on both sides to agree and take positive action.

Got a call tonight from Matt Lyon, who is the campaign manager for Phil Riesen. I committed to walking the precincts for two nights, which should cover at least 4 precincts.

He said he is having trouble getting volunteers for the walking... It's hot, man, I can understand the reluctance!

I e -mailed a bunch of people to help. We really need to get a Good Democrat in this Legislative district! I'm going to call in some favors...or nag, nudge, guilt folks into helping.

I also think that once we get started, more people will help Phil. Meeting him in person will be motivation, as he is a great guy.

I know that this is going to be a wild season until elections...I am committed to helping Jim Winder become our next Salt Lake County Sheriff as well. What an amazing man. Good experience, I like what he plans to do for the County Sheriff's office. He is very open minded, and wants to help people rather than demonize and categorize. I haven't heard him say one negative thing about the current Sheriff. Jim just wants to talk about what will change when he wins.

He also has a fabulous campaign manager, (Deeda Seed) good choice on his part! She is very skilled in politics and I hope to learn from her.

Jim and his family...so far...another baby is on the way.

Just a couple of pictures from the Bridal Shower this past Saturday. I had so much fun!

I was really nervous, but as I walked out the door of our house, Michael said "Remember, this is your Son's shower." It changed the whole way I was thinking about it- "Yeah, this is MY SON'S shower..." I can own it and be proud to be there.

I made some great games (The picture on the left is of Dan between two posters of Pin the Kiss on the Groom.)

The other photo is Dan and Jenny as she opens gifts.

This event reassured me that the wedding will be FABULOUS.

I liked so many of thepeople who were there, shock and surprise. (Remember, Sheryl, people you like will have friends that you like...)

And, of course, my daughter in law, Judy was there. She is amazing. I admire her so much. Pretty, smart, funny, and a person with whom I would feel perfectly safe in an emergency.

More photos to be posted of the event later this week.

To the editor, (Salt Lake Tribune)

I am saddened that Mr. Kelsey in his letter of July 14th called for President Bush to "do away with Israel completely, and give that land back to its rightful owners." To follw this line of reasoning, we, as Americans, after forming the land of the United States, should give the country back to its rightful owners, the Native Americans. This logic certainly applies after our unfounded war on a soverign nation and declared "war on terrorism".

The State of Israel was legitimately voted into legal existance in 1948. The response by the Arab leaders surrounding this tiny Democratic state was to continue the violence and demand that their people wipe out the State of Israel and force all the Jews into the sea.

The Hamas Consititution refuses to recognize Israel as a legitimate State and exhorts its followers to kill all Jews throughout the world. Both Hezbollah and Hamas have demonstrated again and again that they are terrorists.

Where is Mr. Kelsey's sympathy for the citizens and civilians of Israel when they are bombed in Pizza parlors, at Bar Mitzvah celebrations, and in nightclubs where teens congregate?

I am sorry that his anger towards the tragedy in the Middle East brings forth such a simplistic response.

Dan gave me good advice tonight about one of the guests at Jenny's wedding shower. I told him that I was nervous about this other woman. She is mean to me, and no matter what I do, she will be catty and vicious, as I have learned from past experience. I think the chip on her shoulder is bigger than her husbands.

Dan said, "don't try and be her friend, don't be funny, she will just misunderstand and be defensive."

Smart son.
Now I have to practice being reserved to her, and be myself with the other guests.

Maybe I can channel Jackie Kennedy on Saturday.

http://http://www.slcblues.blogspot.com

Just found the above site through commentary on the Huffington Report.

Check it out, it is thoughtful and intelligent. (thanks to Utah Policy Daily which gives out various blog spots to visit, both left and right and center)

Once again I am compelled to put a wish out to the universe and help a decent honest Mr. Smith goes to Washington (before your time) Brilliant Businessman, who is sincere about wanting to get transparancy and ethics back to government. If Pete Ashdown weren't so serious and sincere, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he has. He is determined to take only individual contributions, along the lines of my hero, Howard Dean. Pete also is well versed in the internet and communication through this media.

An opportunity for him to get more donations through individual donations through a site sponsored by Barbara Boxer has been brought to our attention. I would like all my friends and relatives to vote for Pete. I have posted a request on Drinking Liberally, and Democracy for Utah.
More ideas are coming as I lie in bed unable to sleep, dreaming of miricles.

Please go to this site and vote for Pete...forward it to as many people as you can. Ask them to vote. His political stands can be found on his wedpage and wiki.

http://ga4.org/pacforachange/senate_vote.html

Happy Families!

I spent some time yesterday going through those old boxes of photos (from the pre digital era) for Dan and Jenny. They're going to use some childhood pictures of each other for guests to see at the wedding.

Being reminded of the good and not so good past...Dan and Josh have both changed so much, but their presentation in the photos seems to have themes for each of them. Not sure how to define it yet, but I will.

One thing I did was to toss photos: People I don't recognize any more; "places" that look better in real life or in postcards; pictures of myself that were unbelievablely unattractive. It was a physical "delete".

No reason to keep reminders of when I looked (to myself) gross, poorly dressed, with big ugly hair. Also, I am so glad I am no longer holding on to the "redhead". My natural color as a child was a blondish-red, then it became darker and more like Josh's beard; red highlights in the sun. I like myself better now.

I also liked pictures of me and Allen and the boys when they were little. Some of those times were good, and I want to remember them.

I'm going to buy an inexpensive scanner so I can keep them on the computer and on disk.

What a great contrast to yesterday's morning activities!

Tonight I was part of a group of Phil Riesen supporters who showed up to assist him in photos/group shots for his campaign literature. He is a very engaging man, and has clearly done much thinking about the issues which are important to him as a candidate, as well as to the constituants in District 36.
As the photographer gave directions to the participants as well as to Phil on where to look, ("look towards the left!" how to stand, "lean right and don't fall!"fill in the blank spots in the audience "folks, get in closer over here!" ) Phil continued to answer the serious questions being asked. This is a man we can rally around, and who will appeal to the Democrats,Republicans and "unaffiliated" voters in the district in which I live.

This is pretty exciting for me. I think we can really do some "good" as we work towards getting Phil elected.

The process and work in the campaign are being managed by Matt Lyon, who is doing a magnificent job.

********

So this is how I feel now that the day is over...riding in two parades with angry, bickering couple (never d that again..never never)
going home and getting ready for the Young Dems picnic at the park...that was good. Babysiting the two kids. Have Aaron introduced as my step son and then have him be defensive when I am mistaken for his "real mom". Thats always a loving accepting experience which happens at least twice a year. Then being exhausted from watching Nate and Samson. Samson not being able to soothe himself and crying forever. Finally got him down at about 11:00 p.m. just when mom got home.
Then the tuxedo fiasco. More about that tomorrow.

Weddings always send families into stress mode. I'm angry and stressed about the way this is being planned. But say the mantra "People do the best they can, and this is not my movie..."
Sleep now. 

I was so sad after I uploaded the Iraq soldier article from the New York Times (below) that I thought I'd go to my darling funny entertaining brilliant first born son's blog for a cheer up. One of his best talents is making me laugh with his cleverness. Like being splashed with cold water, but in a GOOD way... His latest blog is a mental tickle. He is so excited to be married (in less than 5 weeks, as he reminds us on today's post.) (Pic of Jenny, Dan and me from last December, 2005. He doesn't think this photo is flattering of him, but he is too critical, and it's my blog, damnit!))

I wish he would write more often, so I could contrast the dark side of my view of the world with the "joy of Dan" which is also in my view of the world.

http://danubistheconcise.blogspot.com/

Check it out. It's like eating a creme brulee...

I had to post this. My nephew is a Marine in Iraq and every day I worry about him and his warrior comrades who are put in harms way by those in power in the White House for this stupid senseless politicized war...


"War Ends Silently for One American Soldier




By DEXTER FILKINS
Published: June 29, 2006 (The New York Times)
RAMADI, Iraq, June 28 — A soldier was dead, and it was time for him to go home.



The doors to the little morgue swung open, and six soldiers stepped outside carrying a long black bag zippered at the top.

About 60 soldiers were waiting to say goodbye. They had gathered in the sand outside this morgue at Camp Ramadi, an Army base in Anbar Province, now the most lethal of Iraqi places.

Inside the bag was Sgt. Terry Michael Lisk, 26, of Zion, Ill., killed a few hours before.
In the darkness, the bag was barely visible. A line of blue chemical lights marked the way to the landing strip not far away.
Everyone saluted, even the wounded man on a stretcher. No one said a word.

Sergeant Lisk had been standing near an intersection in downtown Ramadi on Monday morning when a 120-millimeter mortar shell, fired by guerrillas, landed about 30 paces away. The exploding shell flung a chunk of steel into the right side of his chest just beneath his arm. He stopped breathing and died a few minutes later.

The pallbearers lifted Sergeant Lisk into the back of an ambulance, a truck marked by a large red cross, and fell in with the others walking silently behind it as it crept through the sand toward the landing zone. The blue lights showed the way.

From a distance came the sound of a helicopter.

Death comes often to the soldiers and marines who are fighting in Anbar Province, which is roughly the size of Louisiana and is the most intractable region in Iraq. Almost every day, an American soldier is killed somewhere in Anbar — in Ramadi, in Haditha, in Falluja, by a sniper, by a roadside bomb, or as with Sergeant Lisk, by a mortar shell. In the first 27 days of June, 27 soldiers and marines were killed here. In small ways, the military tries to ensure that individual soldiers like Sergeant Lisk are not forgotten in the plenitude of death.

One way is to say goodbye to the body of a fallen comrade as it leaves for the United States. Here in Anbar, American bodies are taken first by helicopter to Camp Anaconda, the big logistical base north of Baghdad, and then on to the United States. Most helicopter traffic in Anbar, for security reasons, takes place at night. Hence the darkness.

In the minutes after the mortar shell exploded, everyone hoped that Sergeant Lisk would live. Although he was not breathing, the medics got to him right away, and the hospital was not far.

"What's his name?" asked Col. Sean MacFarland, the commander of the 4,000-soldier First Brigade.
"Lisk, sir," someone replied.
"If he can be saved, they'll save him," said Colonel MacFarland, who had been only a few yards away in an armored personnel carrier when the mortar shell landed.

About 10 minutes later, the word came.

"He's dead," Colonel MacFarland said.

Whenever a soldier dies, in Iraq or anywhere else, a wave of uneasiness — fear, revulsion, guilt, sadness — ripples through the survivors. It could be felt on Monday, even when the fighting was still going on.

"He was my best friend," Specialist Allan Sammons said, his lower lip shaking. "That's all I can say. I'm kind of shaken up."
Another soldier asked, "You want to take a break?"
Specialist Sammons said, "I'll be fine," his lip still shaking.

Sergeant Lisk's friends and superiors recalled a man who had risen from a hard childhood to become someone whom they counted on for cheer in a grim and uncertain place.

"He was a special kid," Specialist Sammons said. "He came from a broken home. I think he was divorced. I'm worried that it might be hard to find someone."
He said he would write a letter to the family — to whom it was not clear just yet.

Hours later, at the landing zone at Camp Ramadi, the helicopter descended. Without lights, in the darkness, it was just a grayish glow. With its engines still whirring, it lowered its back door.
The six soldiers walked out to the chopper and lifted Sergeant Lisk's body into it. The door went back up. The helicopter flew away.
The soldiers saluted a final time.

In the darkness, as the sound of the helicopter faded, Colonel MacFarland addressed his soldiers.

"I don't know if this war is worth the life of Terry Lisk, or 10 soldiers, or 2,500 soldiers like him," Colonel MacFarland told his forces. "What I do know is that he did not die alone. He was surrounded by friends.
"A Greek philosopher said that only the dead have seen the end of war," the colonel said. "Only Terry Lisk has seen the end of this war."

The soldiers turned and walked back to their barracks in the darkness.

No one said a word.