Family Tied Up in Knots

I hate my birth family. I hate my mother and I hate my brother. My dad is dead, so he gets to escape tonight. My cousins suck. My uncles are child abusers. My aunts are dead.

I realize that I am revictimizing myself. I feel like I have been abused all over again. That knowledge is good to start with the healing. And getting on top of all this anger.

Right now I am feeling especially angry at my brother and my mother. It is crazy. He has been asking me for advice and support throughout this whole break up with his latest ex Mrs. Lenny and won't give me any support on this one issue. I am sick of him and I am sick of my mother.

I'm not sure what I want from either of them. I am tired of being the "smart one", not the pretty one, the "daughter she always wanted" but not the Jewish Prince of the family. I didn't have to have the Bat Mitzvah, because I was just a girl, what a surprise that you want it, you don't have to have it, but isn't that wonderrful! And he gets the "home made everything" and all the f***ing support in the world, because he is who he is. I could have been in his situation... I could have, and WAS just as down and depressed and out of money..and I never got $400 or $1000 at a shot.

(okay, to be honest, my mom did come to see me when I had a broken leg and she thought I had cancer. But she did cry about how rough life was to HER during that visit.)

Yeah, he has problems, but he is always getting RESCUED by her!! And then he feels sad that he isn't getting enough.

I don't want either of them in my life right now. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but I feel it very strongly right now. Looking back at another post about my brother, I see that there is a history of disrespect and disgust.

I wish he would stop saying that I am HIS ROCK. I'm not his rock. I don't want to be his rock. I don't want to be related to him. Right now I am divorcing myself from him.

...I got him to stop signing his emails and letters "LBB" (Little Baby Brother); what bull. It creeps me out that an almost 60 year old man wants to be called Little Baby Brother. Like Baby Huey. It makes me sick to read it every time he writes it. Now I understand other women's reaction to him.

If I were to go through every one of his e mails to me, or search every memory I have, he is always being so sexualized. Not funny, rather repulsive. He e mailed me or told me something about how this woman he is e mailing was laughing at his inuendos...real mature...He disgusts me. (It is also a part of myself, I admit it. But I want that part gone gone gone)

I am always taking care of him. What the hell has he ever done for me AS AN ADULT??? Nothing. I asked him to help me with Josh when I was going out of town, and it was like a big deal favor. I asked him to help me out with ME when I had my first separation, (or second, who the hell remembers how many there were?) and he couldn't... or wouldn't. Then when he was making $100,000 a year, what did I get? I paid for him to go to the funeral for Paul.

So right now, I am angry and trying to get over it. Get over myself, which has always been a problem.

I know this is not about me. But, damnit, it happens every year! I need to get to a place where I can laugh, ignore, put it all in a place that doesn't hurt me.