Here are some reasons I am feeling insecure today.

I went to a "Drinking Liberally" event and left feeling unworthy of being a liberal. My views were "'Republican" according to a few people's comments. I guess I'm not liberal enough.

The neighbors across the street had a huge party last night. I was feeling the normal "oh they're having a party" thoughts when I then noticed our next door neighbors walking over to join the festivities. That added to my feelings of rejection. Normally I feel a bit left out when the Mormons stand out in the street and talk to each other, ignoring the few non members. This particular family is one to whom I have made deliberate outreach. Their son died a while ago. I wrote a letter to the mom on mother's day night expressing my concern about her, and her love for her son and grandchildren. I had also stated that I wished I knew her better.

We talked a few days later; they were going to Africa with their siblings. She told me that the letter I wrote had "made her day" and meant so much to her.

When they returned from Africa, the next Sunday they had people over, I assumed the guests were from their ward. Josh made a home made pizza for them as a "welcome home. "

We brought it over, their youngest son was going on a mission, which was the ostensible reason for the party that day. We chatted briefly.

So, seeing the neighbors walk over, seeing the "We miss you Chad: (heart)" spelled out on the chain link fence with blue and red paper drink cups hurt my feelings.

Then, Dan called this morning, "Is Josh there." Not, "Hi mom, this is Dan, how are you, is Josh there."

He and Jenny are going to buy a puppy. Michael and I suggested that they get a kennel for it. "No, we don't want to keep it in a cage." When Michael suggested that they keep it in a kennel at home during the day, Dan said that they found "doggie day care", they were going to bring it over to Jen's mom's house during the day.

Michael remarked that this shows what will be happening with a baby.

I see the future...my grandchild learning from people in another culture. Learing to be more of a Bowen than a Luskin-Ginsberg.

What a sense of loss I feel right now.

I'm trying to keep in mind that people don't have bad intentions. That I need to ascribe positive intentions to their actions. That most of the decisions people make have nothing to do with me.

I'll get there. It just hurts right now.