Hello Kitty

A symbol of regression...

Since we got a new computer all my old settings disappeared. It took me an hour to find this blog again. Crap. Now I'm too tired to write anything.

Happening:

Trip to San Francisco

Democracy for America Training

Ordered a Sewing Machine

(Back into crafts)

Back to being disgusted with my weight.

Okay, that's it for now...

Good night.

The Good Stuff

I re read some of my more recent blogs. I can see that I do write when I have THINGS TO SAY that I have no one to tell. And it actually feels pretty helpful to write out what is inside of my brain. Helps to clear out the obsessive thoughts.

The last few months have not been great according to my posts. Disappointments abound.

So here are the things that I have liked, still like and will continue to like:

• My "stylist" Rachelle. She is great, not only because she can do great hair, color and cut, but because she is funny and cute and responds to me when I need something new. I feel good when I see her.




• Laughing with Raya and Josh; their senses of humor not only match each other, but seem to match mine as well. Watching them with each other is a delight!




• MY IPOD!!! I plan to keep on using it more and more. It is so much fun. I had an incident occur when I was renewing my license, the official made a comment about not being able to wait to see me at his station since he was amused about someone "your age" listening to an IPOD. Yeah, I'm the little old lady dancing on the floor at "The Wedding Singer".




• MY IPOD II! Learning how to download, how to use itunes, talking to others about the system. Listening to podcasts, making playlists.




• Shopping at the Thrift Store! A new joy in my life! Can't remember when I decided to start shopping there, probably when I decided that I wanted new clothes but couldn't justify buying New new clothes. However, it has become more than just getting new clothes, it is a place inside of me that brings out more than feeling good about getting deals. I got Josh a nice leather coat for $30, and a couple of t shirts for Raya. And some nice jackets for myself. I look forward to the store opening on tuesday so I can get some outfits.




• My private practice- I like doing therapy. I'm not going to mention the negative part of trying to build up the business and get paid- oops, I just did.




• Driving my new car. Although I did finally get into a little fender bender, and I thus feel somewhat reluctant to drive it as nonchalantly, I still adore getting into the car, turning on the things I know how to turn on and being constantly surprised at the new things that this little StarTrek automobile can do.




• Joining the gym! I hate it I love it I hate it I love it..this new year will bring me a nice strong body again, after I get totally addicted to going on my own.

Family Tied Up in Knots

I hate my birth family. I hate my mother and I hate my brother. My dad is dead, so he gets to escape tonight. My cousins suck. My uncles are child abusers. My aunts are dead.

I realize that I am revictimizing myself. I feel like I have been abused all over again. That knowledge is good to start with the healing. And getting on top of all this anger.

Right now I am feeling especially angry at my brother and my mother. It is crazy. He has been asking me for advice and support throughout this whole break up with his latest ex Mrs. Lenny and won't give me any support on this one issue. I am sick of him and I am sick of my mother.

I'm not sure what I want from either of them. I am tired of being the "smart one", not the pretty one, the "daughter she always wanted" but not the Jewish Prince of the family. I didn't have to have the Bat Mitzvah, because I was just a girl, what a surprise that you want it, you don't have to have it, but isn't that wonderrful! And he gets the "home made everything" and all the f***ing support in the world, because he is who he is. I could have been in his situation... I could have, and WAS just as down and depressed and out of money..and I never got $400 or $1000 at a shot.

(okay, to be honest, my mom did come to see me when I had a broken leg and she thought I had cancer. But she did cry about how rough life was to HER during that visit.)

Yeah, he has problems, but he is always getting RESCUED by her!! And then he feels sad that he isn't getting enough.

I don't want either of them in my life right now. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last, but I feel it very strongly right now. Looking back at another post about my brother, I see that there is a history of disrespect and disgust.

I wish he would stop saying that I am HIS ROCK. I'm not his rock. I don't want to be his rock. I don't want to be related to him. Right now I am divorcing myself from him.

...I got him to stop signing his emails and letters "LBB" (Little Baby Brother); what bull. It creeps me out that an almost 60 year old man wants to be called Little Baby Brother. Like Baby Huey. It makes me sick to read it every time he writes it. Now I understand other women's reaction to him.

If I were to go through every one of his e mails to me, or search every memory I have, he is always being so sexualized. Not funny, rather repulsive. He e mailed me or told me something about how this woman he is e mailing was laughing at his inuendos...real mature...He disgusts me. (It is also a part of myself, I admit it. But I want that part gone gone gone)

I am always taking care of him. What the hell has he ever done for me AS AN ADULT??? Nothing. I asked him to help me with Josh when I was going out of town, and it was like a big deal favor. I asked him to help me out with ME when I had my first separation, (or second, who the hell remembers how many there were?) and he couldn't... or wouldn't. Then when he was making $100,000 a year, what did I get? I paid for him to go to the funeral for Paul.

So right now, I am angry and trying to get over it. Get over myself, which has always been a problem.

I know this is not about me. But, damnit, it happens every year! I need to get to a place where I can laugh, ignore, put it all in a place that doesn't hurt me.

Christmas Eve at the Steinbergsteins

I saw a cartoon in the paper today and asked Josh if I should be offended. The first panel showed a family, the Whites, celebrating Christmas in church. The second panel showed another family having a Christmas dinner. The third panel showed a Jewish family having dinner at a chinese restaurant with the waiter asking the cook if moo goo gai pan was kosher. Josh asked me if it was true. I said "kinda" and he said, "well..."

So after seeing "the Prestige" today we went to Pawitts restaurant, but it was closed.

Me, fighting with another old broad

So I had a blow out Saturday. I was doing the "arm rest fight" with the woman sitting next to me, a 70 something old woman with thinning hair dyed orange. She was with a group of people which included an enormous fat tall man, and a "mentally challenged" adult. There was an empty seat next to her but she chose to be a bitch and sat next to me.

I got really angry, but after attempting to win the arm rest like with an elbow fighting contest, without saying anything to each other , I just moved closer to Michael. After the second intermission, I put my coat and scarf on the armrest, resisting the impulse to pour water all over her seat. (Borderline thoughts). She and her guests came back and I could hear them talking about me.

They brought the "challenged man" (wow look at those lights, no look at THOSE lights, scratch my nose, almost pick it, rock back and forth while standing wow, look at those other lights) back to sit next to her, she threw my coat and scarf over to my side.

The situation escalated to the point where I called her a bitch and she told me that in the 30 years since she had been coming to the theatre I was the RUDEST PERSON SHE HAD EVER MET! She complained that I was kicking her and then she began to kick me. Cut to the part where I yelled for Michael to come to me, he was totally oblivious, which also pissed me off.

(Why doesn't he notice that I am in trouble and need him???)

We left the theatre, after complaining without hope of anything changing; what could the management do, except try and calm me down... ( more attention needed. please).

Michael and I went for a walk, drove to a soup restaurant, began to see things more in perspective. I kept crying..why was she so mean, what should I have done to make it better?

Michael did reassure me that orange haired lady had more responsibility in the escalation than I did.

I went to a party that night for one of Michael's friends.

While there, I called Josh and he listened while I talked about the situation. I decided that there is a pattern here.

I hit Sheila's mom's hand when she pointed it in my face. She had been taunting me all night at my brother's 50th birthday celebration in Portland.)

I almost hit Billie Gay about a month ago, when she got both physically and emotionally in my space and face.

And this mean little woman did the same thing; tried to control me. LIKE MY MOM!!! Duh.

Michael said for the last episode, I should have changed seats with him. Yes, but he should have noticed that something was wrong and taken care of me. I hate that part of our relationship.

So, a plan must be made for me. Now that I am aware of the triggers, I need to remove myself from the situation. Not try and fight, not try and WIN, because I won't.

I'll never win against the past with my mother and I'll never win in the present with older women who are trying to (my perception) control me or make me feel bad. It isn't going to work in my favor.

I hate old women and now since my last birthday I turned 58, I am going to be one.

Not just your Jewish Christmas

Hannukah celebration at my step son and daughter in law's new home. It was fun to be with everyone, and I wasn't as bitchy as I have gotten in the past. Although I do think that being around her sister and sister's family is a bit of a pain in the ass, as they give presents that are so ostentatious. And...they didn't follow the rules, which makes people feel bad. (Like me?)

Things I liked.

Giving Helen her book (Yiddish with George and Laura)

Getting a spontaneous "I love you" from Judy.

Watching Raya and Josh together

Some of the food

Jenny talking to Judy

Jenny talking to me

Hugging Dan

Things I didn't like:

All the gifts that Nathan and Samson got from M. and S.

too fucking much...they overdosed.

The sharing of my birthday with another holiday.

Grrr

Oily Greasy Potatoe Pancakes

The lamb

Trying to make Hannukah a Jewish christmas

I'm sure I'll come up with more...but I'm off to bed.

Happy Hannukah, Over and out.

Ruminations on our vacation

I've been back since Wednesday night.

Thank God! I am so happy to be home.

Right now my main thought about the trip is that I enjoyed Washington D.C. far more than I did Paris.
Yes, it is blasphemy to admit that one isn't in love with the City of Lights. I was but I'm not any longer.

We stayed in the suburbs, it was cold and rained almost everyday. We had to, or thought we had to, walk to the metro when we wanted to get anywhere. The last day before we left, we took a bus to the Metro line. Ahh, what a difference.

I had some joy, seeing Yvette and Abel, of course. But with Berthe getting ill and being put in the hospital, my emotions were dampened by Yvette's sadness and fear.

I was able to speak some French, esp to Abel and Yvette, but truthfully, one day I just got sick of it. Trying to communicate was exhausting.

I guess I just don't want to go to Europe any more. I don't enjoy traveling, I think. I don't know. This is my first blog about it, so I am going to keep "self search" through the posts to figure out what went on for me.

I am finally more of an American than a person who has identified with Europe all my life. I never felt part of the United States experience when I was younger, for many reasons, but now I do.

I worried about Frazier towards the end of the trip, Josh had called and said that Frazier was having some bowel problems, bleeding and lots of diarreah. His diagnosis wasn't not serious, just needed some meds and new food.

Maybe a tour would be better next time we go anywhere outside of our comfort zone. Then we would have more information, and have more structure. Just a thought, as Michael says.

oh, and the flying? It was still horrible. And we actually had a man who was over 6' tall sit behind me with a request not to put our back seat down. However, the man in Front of me did so I was squished between two people on one of the flights. Delight.

Ah, Paris!

I'm leaving for Paris with Mikey on Thursday morning. Katie asked me why I was not demonstrating more "excitement"

I was thinking about that this morning and came up with "huh, I've had a lot of stress in my life lately.."

First the planning for Dan and Jenny's wedding. That was full of situations where I got to make myself nuts.

The dress, the make up the weight, the difference between our families, fear about Jan and Bill not liking me because I wasn't putting on the perfect affair, the food at the groom's dinner, the bachelor party helping Josh, the money, picking a song for the mom-groom dance, and the day itself.. and the obligatory feeling sorry for myself.

Then the Democrats. The election season, the anger, the joy, the gossip, the time spent, the day and the night, and the time put in.

The aftermath.

My business, money, insurance companies, Gaylynn getting a part time job.

Our new car which I still can't figure out...it is like driving a computer that has a language I can't speak.

Flying on an airplane for 8 hours or so. Never being compfortable flying. Getting an ipod and learning how to download it. Packing. Wondering what I can bring on the plane. Trying to find perfect boots in which to walk. (I gave up and decided to get some in Paris if they exist).

Flying. Scared of flying. Knowing that with my luck we will be sitting in front of a brat kid with a mother who hasn't brought any toys or snacks. The supreme discomfort of trying to take a nap on a plane seat with no leg room and I'm only 5'4" so what about that poor 6' tall guy? Screw him, that's his problem.

Flying.

Trying to fit in every appointment thing I can before I leave. Lunch with friends, getting a crown on my tooth, getting that last minute medication. The nagging little fear that if my room isn't clean before we go and we die on the plane then my kids will have to sort everything out. I think I'll go and throw some incriminating things away right now, in fact.

Not having the "right clothes" for our trip...

...then of course I realize that thought is exactly what my mom always says so I'm deleting that particular anxiety RIGHT NOW.

People never notice what you wear unless you are the presiden'ts wife and all I remember about Laura is that she wears lots of pant suits and has big thighs.

Flying.